Beign Comfortable

Over the past couple of month's I have realized my appetite to hold back. Not be me, but rather just walk along the path. Even if it is simple as sharing post on this blog that no one reads. Some sort of inner anxiety forms at the thought of releasing information online. Dealing with the expectations of the public I guess.

But I have made small but good progress to breaking out of the shell. It easy to hide behind the walls you have created. You know them, they are so comfortable. So scared to go beyond, take one step closer to your destiny. It is almost impossible to let go.

So I promise myself that I will write more on this blog even if it does not make sense. It is a way for me to get comfortable with myself and reach beyond my high walls.

whispers from a spiritual garden

By Yusuf Islam

The eternal source of love is implanted
In every part of existence -
The desire for another.
Though night and day,
Outwardly appears enemies,
Yet both serve one purpose -
Each seeking the other.

Stream of life by Rabindranath Tagore

Stream of Life

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

Life is a bitch but somebody's gotta live it

In the daily grind of life, I have noticed my ability to become a hard ass. Not to other people around me, but my own self. I have set myself up on expectations that I just lead towards more self-torture. More self doubts and less of self confidence. It is hard pressing questions that I constantly challenge myself with “You can do it all, anything and everywhere”. I do not leave room for acceptance nor do I leave from error in those statements. Those statements hold myself to an image of perfection. It is a scale that is unfitting to me nor to anyone in my life. On the other hand, it is good to embrace challenges and raise the bar once a certain item has been achieved, but it is a double edged sword. The line becomes blurry when those expectations keep increasing without ever conquering the first hurdle. I start out with baby steps and right away move to the end goal without moving to the second step. Like jumping from one clif to another without getting a head start. I set myself up for failure in my task. Not in the task itself, rather the perception of my own failing ability. This has finally taken a toll on my health. Being sick for the past couple of days, has given me time to become aware. Aware of my being. First, all work has come to a screeching halt. Second, my mind is constantly trying to conquer and push me harder although I am sick and I just physically can’t. This has lead to many self-destructing and insecure thoughts, which have consumed me. Although I know it is not me, nonetheless they eat away at your soul and the ground on which I stand.

I find it difficult to be easy with myself because I have constantly found that I must be hard in order to succeed in anything. It is also a stem from fighting my own battles all my life without ever allowing anyone inside. Although I would love to have someone by my side, I just find I become weak when I do so. Life lessons have made me easy to give out to others but not to receive. This dawned upon me when a friend of mine told me “You are terrified to get hurt, it makes you run away”. She is right, I am. It is easier to give without getting hurt but then it is unfair to the people in my life to give their loving gift to me. My rule of life is: Love. If I do not let the love of others into mine then how will I ever fully release mine from my soul.

So in this turmoil of being sick and have vast array of thoughts, I am just going to take my life a bit easier now. As much as my life is so hard grained into becoming stronger (partly cause of my intense workouts), I shall not care and just go for it. I do not know what exactly as I am uncertain but I will just be. So the lesson, go easy on yourself. Life is a bitch at times and no matter what, you will be ok. Just go easy on yourself because you work hard. You only get one life and you only get yourself. Love yourself and live freely. Last but not least, the scale that I had developed was not mine. Actually in reality, my expectations of myself are in grained from my environment. In time they have taken my name but it is not who I am. Be the artist of your life and it is time I paint my canvas.

The perfect video of how I feel. I wish I was a cartoon sometimes :).

Anjani Raahon Mein

Detachment from attachment

It is so easy to look at someone in a different situation and provide them with a clear cut solution. But when it comes to my own solutions, I get confused about which path to take. This had occurred to while I was watching “Tare Zamin Par” with my mom. She had commented about how the parenting was not done correctly thus the child was facing such tough issues. After her comment was made I had told her that I had similar characteristics of that same child in the movie and the parental handling was done the same way as in the movie.

Aside: The movie is about a dyslexic child who has a tough time in school being accepted and is labeled a dunce. On the other end it deals with how south asian parents ignore the “retard/disabled” aspect because it is frowned upon in society.

Back to the story: I had realized that when you are in a situation, you become emotionally attached to so many outcomes. You submerge yourself into every avenue possible to find a clear path. It is as if you are walking through a dense forest while a third person has a helicopter and provides you a birds eye view in the situation.

Recently, I am trying to develop this bird’s eye view because I get wound up in situations that, in hindsight, are not worth it. There is a certain level of detachment that I am trying to muster up in order to help me see my challenges clearly.


Sometimes its painful to do,
Sometimes its hurtful to breathe,
Sometimes I exist with you,
Sometimes I can’t believe,

Face the fears, and you shall be free

Sometimes I feel out of faith,
Sometimes the heart bleeds colorless tears,
Sometimes a man without a face,
Sometimes I need your love to face these fears,

Face the tears, and you shall be free

Sometimes lost and found,
Sometimes lusting to run away from the pain,
Sometimes buried in the sands of hurt, beneath the ground,
Sometimes need your plumber to unclog the drain,

Face the pain, and you shall be free

Sometime is a time in abyss,
Sometime remains forever and gone,
This time I will live in my bliss,
This time I am creating my home.

Things and things some more

My cousin who is only 13, is a miniature model of me(hehehe). Free spirited, no shit from no one, loves to get lost alone and run around free. Loves with an open heart without fear. She is the only one in my family who makes me feel at home. I remember going to Dubai and we just walked around. Exploring without maps, going across the open sand dunes, getting lost in the outskirts of Sharjah, became best freinds with the bus driver. The bus driver could not speak english but yet all three of us communicated somehow. That is beauty. And after all that finding our way home after 6 hours.

Her message this time:

If you want to see the rainbow,
you must go through the rain,
If you want true love,
then you must go through the pain

I am always shit faced how my cousin can send me these quotes or lines without me ever asking but yet they always fit.