My cousin who is only 13, is a miniature model of me(hehehe). Free spirited, no shit from no one, loves to get lost alone and run around free. Loves with an open heart without fear. She is the only one in my family who makes me feel at home. I remember going to Dubai and we just walked around. Exploring without maps, going across the open sand dunes, getting lost in the outskirts of Sharjah, became best freinds with the bus driver. The bus driver could not speak english but yet all three of us communicated somehow. That is beauty. And after all that finding our way home after 6 hours.
Her message this time:
If you want to see the rainbow, you must go through the rain, If you want true love, then you must go through the pain
I am always shit faced how my cousin can send me these quotes or lines without me ever asking but yet they always fit.
It is so hard to let ourselves go and be fully immersed in a world that is beyond our control. It is our each individual destiny that seeks to remain in control at all times. To grasp the path that we are on, so determined, so ambitious, so moving. We want to do it all and take names while at it. When we loose control of situations we become scared because we do not know which way we are falling. There is not a landing zone that can be clearly seen from our eyes. The only thing that we know is that we are falling. Immersed in a flight that is being pulled by the forces of gravity. You reach out to grab a hold of something, your heart pounds harder as each attempt fails because you are completely blind. Blinded by the path of falling, blinded by letting yourself go. Thats all you can do, just fall. No matter what you reach for, it just doesn’t matter because there are no places to hold.
We feel full of confidence when we are in control. The driver in our cars not the passenger who is letting life just go by.That is what we strive to be. Always be constantly taking directions and keeping the faith in us. But falling is part of the same game. You fall in areas you do not know. You take steps from which might lead to your demise, but you keep pushing forward. You fall based on blind faith that people so often talk about. But what happens when the faith is not coming from you but rather faith in something else. That is what falling becomes. The faith, confidence, trust is not in yourself but rather the position of your landing. That you trust no matter what, it will be a good place and it will be alright. Also, is this not what we seek to accomplish with our faith in us. To bask in an arena of no motivation, no movement but just BE. Flow with the energies of earth and remain in that moment. This could be translated in the conventional forms of pleasures, i.e. shopping, sports and the most important orgasms/ejaculation. We mount all this stress to release it and it is in that moment we let our selves go. Away from the pain, away from our mind and just exist. Having complete faith and trust in the world.
This is what vulnerability is I guess. You let yourself fall, having utter complete faith in the area you land in will be alright. You let go of your inhibitions, insecurity because it does you no good while you fall. It could be the end of you, or the happiest place but it is all uncertain. Nothing is for sure.
I feel a sense of calm now, through the many oceans and rivers, the calmness remains. The faith in letting myself go. It scares the shit out of me because I do have faith in my ability but more importantly I need to have faith in where it all goes. What will it become or will it ever be? The questions of insecurity plague my mind amidst the darkness clouded by fear. Is it worth it? Does it exist? the endless what “if’s”
I see a light though, it exist. It shines bright and it will lead me. Thats all I can do at the end of the day, is to remain open, hurtful and have faith in all of this. Should be interesting to see what the future holds.
