Life is a bitch but somebody's gotta live it

In the daily grind of life, I have noticed my ability to become a hard ass. Not to other people around me, but my own self. I have set myself up on expectations that I just lead towards more self-torture. More self doubts and less of self confidence. It is hard pressing questions that I constantly challenge myself with “You can do it all, anything and everywhere”. I do not leave room for acceptance nor do I leave from error in those statements. Those statements hold myself to an image of perfection. It is a scale that is unfitting to me nor to anyone in my life. On the other hand, it is good to embrace challenges and raise the bar once a certain item has been achieved, but it is a double edged sword. The line becomes blurry when those expectations keep increasing without ever conquering the first hurdle. I start out with baby steps and right away move to the end goal without moving to the second step. Like jumping from one clif to another without getting a head start. I set myself up for failure in my task. Not in the task itself, rather the perception of my own failing ability. This has finally taken a toll on my health. Being sick for the past couple of days, has given me time to become aware. Aware of my being. First, all work has come to a screeching halt. Second, my mind is constantly trying to conquer and push me harder although I am sick and I just physically can’t. This has lead to many self-destructing and insecure thoughts, which have consumed me. Although I know it is not me, nonetheless they eat away at your soul and the ground on which I stand.

I find it difficult to be easy with myself because I have constantly found that I must be hard in order to succeed in anything. It is also a stem from fighting my own battles all my life without ever allowing anyone inside. Although I would love to have someone by my side, I just find I become weak when I do so. Life lessons have made me easy to give out to others but not to receive. This dawned upon me when a friend of mine told me “You are terrified to get hurt, it makes you run away”. She is right, I am. It is easier to give without getting hurt but then it is unfair to the people in my life to give their loving gift to me. My rule of life is: Love. If I do not let the love of others into mine then how will I ever fully release mine from my soul.

So in this turmoil of being sick and have vast array of thoughts, I am just going to take my life a bit easier now. As much as my life is so hard grained into becoming stronger (partly cause of my intense workouts), I shall not care and just go for it. I do not know what exactly as I am uncertain but I will just be. So the lesson, go easy on yourself. Life is a bitch at times and no matter what, you will be ok. Just go easy on yourself because you work hard. You only get one life and you only get yourself. Love yourself and live freely. Last but not least, the scale that I had developed was not mine. Actually in reality, my expectations of myself are in grained from my environment. In time they have taken my name but it is not who I am. Be the artist of your life and it is time I paint my canvas.

The perfect video of how I feel. I wish I was a cartoon sometimes :).